Born in the USA

So I am lying in bed and not sleeping for some strange reason and I couldn't help but think about how lucky I am to live where I do.  It's something I take for granted a lot.  It doesn't occur to me often, but when it does I feel a little guilty about my good fortune in life.  I was listening to NPR the other day and was disturbed by the news of 4 car bombs going off in Iraq killing over a hundred people.  Normally I would hear this and just go on with my day.  Yea, yea car bomb in Iraq.  What else is new?  But this time it really bothered me.  What if this happened in my town?  Wow, that would be something else...  Over a hundred people DIED just like that. 

So I don't really want to talk about how horrible the world is, because that is really beyond this blog, but I do want to focus on how lucky I am today. 

I never worry about my safety.  I wake up in the morning fully expecting to make it through the day unscathed.  Fears of car bombs, terrorist attacks, or any other casualty of war does not cross my mind.  Can you imagine living in constant fear for your life?

I have clean water to drink every day.  I can take a HOT shower any time of day or night.  I can go to the grocery store right now and buy enormous amounts of food if I wish.  I can say I am an atheist and not be afraid of being stoned to death.  I can wear shorts in public (although I haven't in a while...probably has to do with the enormous amounts of food mentioned above).  I have the right to vote, to drive, to get a job.  Not every woman in the world has these opportunities and I am fully aware of that.

And thinking about these things with Jane in mind makes me even more grateful.  I can't imagine how mothers feel who cannot be sure their child will have clean water to drink or food to eat the next day or medicine to make them well, etc.  It makes me sick to my stomach to really think about. 

So while I will whine and complain about little petty things, I always know that I am extraordinarily lucky that I even have the opportunity to whine and complain about these little petty things. 

A Numbered List of General Stuff

So since I am so damn good at my job, I am all caught up and have some time to waste.


Let's see...what can I write about???

How about some random comments that maybe only my mother would find interesting:

1. When I was TTC I found these message boards on Ivillage.com. I have been a member of several boards since then and I cannot say enough good things about them. Currently I am a frequent poster on an April 2009 playgroup. It is a place where many women come to post questions, vent, share photos, etc. of their babies all born in April of 2009. Without these women (whom I do not know), I would be lost. I do not have many friends with little babies. Well, none actually. The support I get from this board is absolutely wonderful. As anyone who knows me understands: I worry. A lot. And being able to ask questions about pregnancy, motherhood, what is normal, etc. has really saved my sanity. I love my virtual friends on this message board.

2. Jane is sort of crawling. Two honorary uncles came to visit us over the weekend and she really showed off for them. She took her first little crawl steps and has since started to try it out more. She can only go like one or two "steps" and then will stretch out on her tummy, roll over and then sit up only to do it again. This is monumental stuff here. Soon we are going to have to babyproof the house, which I have been delaying and dreading since before conception.

3. Jane's laughter lights up my life. http://www.youtube.com/Skinnerfamilyvideos#p/a/u/0/_wHCpVDWVsI

4. This weekend is going to be my ONLY weekend to do my Christmas shopping. I have no idea what I am buying for anyone, although most people are getting a framed photo of Jane because I know that is what everyone is dying to have. ;-)

5. Wonder how many times I can fit the name Jane into a blog entry....
janejanejanejanejanejanejanejanejanejane. Wow. A lot!

6. I have never in my life been so content. It's almost unnerving.

7. I guess since I am so content I should be able to get myself together enough to start trying to lose some weight. It's all cold outside and dark early and so my activity level has decreased dramatically in the last month or so. My greatest obstacle is getting enough sleep so I can function well enough to make the smart decisions. (And while I have received some comments about baby sleep training books and do appreciate the sentiment, we are just fine. As I have stated before, no form of CIO will be practiced in my household even if it is guaranteed to work. And, yes, I still reserve the right to complain about not sleeping.)

8. I am making all of Jane's baby food (or most of it) and I am finding it very rewarding and quite easy to do.  I never thought I would do something like this, but a lot of the girls on my message board were doing it so I thought I'd give it a shot.  It's fun and I feel like I am cooking for my baby.  She loves her mommy's cooking (so far). 

9. I would like to thank Karmapearl for inspiring me to jazz up my blog a bit. Hope you like my new background. I also tried adding a video link to the right side but these random YouTube videos kept showing up even though I set it to MY channel. So that has been nixed for now. I used to be fairly OK at stuff like this but I am finding that I become less technologically advanced as each day passes. What I want to know is how anyone understands HTML. And what is it? And is that something you just "pick up" these days or do you have to take a class? Aw screw it...I don't care.

Well, it's close to quitting time.  Hooray I get to spend the next four days with JANE!  :-P

It's DECEMBER!

Thanks everybody for the nice comments on my last blog entry. I sort of feel like it seems I was fishing for compliments but that is not the case. I hate complaining about myself that way and then people say, "no you are beautiful and wonderful" blah blah. It makes me feel uneasy. My intent was not for people to say those things. Just makes me feel better to get my true feelings out on paper. I am doing a bit better. Not walking around with that "bad" feeling all the time anymore.

I will say that I am carrying around about 20-30 extra pounds that are just killing me and I can't get motivated enough to lose them. I know what I have to do to lose the weight and it's simply too hard for me right now. If I lost that weight, I would really feel a lot better. I don't know what's going to have to change in order for me to get motivated, but I wish it would happen already. (she says as she opens a bag of Combos...sigh)

For the first time in a long time, I am excited about Christmas. Yes, this is 100% related to Jane. I know that for her first Christmas she will have no idea what is going on. She isn't even interested in the fact that we brought a once living tree into our house, put weird lights on it and little "toys" on it too. But just the thought of her very soon getting excited and creating these new memories is really amazing. I look back upon my childhood with fondness and I really want Jane to as well. I am hoping she will. She seems pretty happy right now. Let's just hope she doesn't have the genetics for depression and anxiety like her poor Mommy. ;)

Inadequate.

I don't know if this is my "depression" showing her ugly face, but I am feeling kind of inadequate lately. Maybe it's lack of sleep. I know that can trigger depression.

But those thoughts that I used to get into my head are coming back and it always stems from comparing myself to someone "better than me".

In comparison to the best:
I am fat
I am unattractive
I am poor
I am a bad mother
I am not spectacular in any shape or form

These are those negative thoughts that come into my head and have been since I was in the 4th grade. I really hope they go away soon because I would like to stop feeling sorry for myself, especially considering how happy I am in my life. I am so happy and yet these thoughts continue to plague me.

Sigh...I really hope I can get a few nights of sleep this week. I would enjoy feeling put together again.

In today's news about ME...

I got 4 hours of sleep last night. If it's not Jane it's the cats (and I am ready to strangle them both to death with my bare hands). If it's not that, it's me. My insomnia has started up again and I can't do anything about it. No drugs are allowed since I am still breastfeeding AND co-sleeping. During the day I am SOOOO tired but at night for some reason I just can't sleep. It is infuriating.

I can't figure it out either. I am probably one of the happiest people on the planet. It's not like I am going to bed and worrying like I used to do. I am content. I am next to Jane. Maybe it's just the anticipation of her waking up, which she still does several times a night, sometimes for up to two hours. Last night (or this morning) it was at 4 am. I finally got her back to sleep by singing to her, but then in walks Butters and meows his loudest meow twice in a row, thus waking her up. I got up, shut our door and got her back to sleep again after another 30 minutes. Then that damn cat pawed on the door, which doesn't latch closed all the way, and woke us up AGAIN when the door clicked open. If he was within my reach I swear I really would have strangled him. To death.

Anyway, I guess I can count on sleeping when I am dead. Or when Jane is 13.....

I am really loving my 3-day work week. I am at work BORED TO TEARS right now, so obviously things are going well. I work my butt off when I am here and boy is it amazing how efficient I can be when I put my mind to it. I am seriously asking for a raise at the first opportunity....I figure they can afford it since I am saving them roughly $25,000 a year by going part-time and still doing the SAME job (which used to be 2 jobs until I said I could do them both). And, yes, I am bragging. ;)

Overall things are going very well. I love my little life.

As for bad news, I broke my camera by dropping it in to the bathtub. Jane was taking her first "big girl" bath and I got too crazy with the picture taking and she slipped and fell on her back, covering half of her face with water. I dropped the camera in the water to pick her up. At least I know I would save Jane before my camera. ;) She was fine, by the way.

I also lost my wedding ring. I never really cared much about any dumb ring and quite frankly I find girls who brag about their rings quite nauseating. But I guess I would like something halfway decent (I just don't want to pay for it). Right now I have on a $12 band from JC Penney. Silver. DH lost his ring years ago.....

I guess that is all for "news".